An Ignored Sign

Today, I got up early; long before the sun began to change the earth's color from dark blue to beautiful hues of orange and pink. I showered and got dressed to go to UTA to watch my friend teach her 8 a.m. freshmen rhetoric class. I got to campus before most students were awake. The campus was virtually empty. I got a great parking space. Starbucks on campus had just opened, and I got my friend and I a warm beverage to enjoy in the quickly cooling fall air. I met her in her office, and off we went to room 100 Preston Hall, which was filled with clearly fatigued freshmen, wondering if Professor Arnold was going to let them out a moment early. She didn't. She did a great job eliciting conversation, and after 8:30 the students were debating the topics at hand (should motorcylce helmets be mandatory, should women get equal work for equal pay). Her next class was a literature class, and they are covering Love Medicine, Louise Erdrich's first novel in a series that we (book club) friends are reading. Her students were excited about the book, and the hour and a half flew by. At one point, we convinced the sophomores that I was Erdrich, and I had just come to listen to dialogue in a sophomore English class at UTA. I guess if Ludacris could entertain them tonight, a boring novelist appearing in their class didn't seem so far fetched. After her classes, she helped me prepare my application to be a GTA for UTA (only about six months late). I have been in touch several times with the director of first year English, who assured me there was a real possibility I could teach in the Spring. I spent a lot of effort and time compiling about 10 things, including requesting two letters of recommendations from professors (always awkward). So, today, I brought cookies to thank the professors. While I was printing out a copy of my best academic writing, along with letter of intent and a letter explaining why I would want a job that pays roughly one fourth to one fifth what high school teachers make, I felt that I should pray that if it is God's will, I get the job. I should only want the job if it will help me in my walk. I'm sorry, God, I said. I really want to teach a few days a week to get out of the house and make some spending money. I really want this job. I don't care what is best for me, I told him. Finally, I relented. If it isn't ment to be, give me a sign. Let me know. Don't leave me hanging. I journeyed to the director's office, who asked if I had taken Argumentation Theory. No, I hadn't, and wasn't taking it currently. Well, he said, I'm afraid this won't work out. I don't need your application, he said. WAIT A MINUTE! I had talked to him on at least five different occasions before school began, and he never mentioned Argumentation Theory! I told him to keep my application on file with the letters of recommendation, and I would apply for next year. I was shocked. Like a deer in the headlights. All of my days and days of work and compiling documents and requesting recommendation letters amounted to nothing. I felt sad. I even cried in the bathroom at UTA. (so embarassing). He suggested that I email the professor, who is working on her third week in the class to request I be admitted late. There are only 12 classes total. Plus I am only part time right now. I don't want to take more than one class. My mom, who has always been a pillar of strength, suggested through my tears of frustration that I thank God, who is obviously taking an active role in my life. What faith. What an example. And yet, that is not exactly what I felt like doing. I wanted to throw a temper tantrum. I couldn't help my tears of stinging disappointment and bitterness. Not to mention that last week was one of the worst weeks I've had recently. But, my mom is right. God is taking an active role in my life, and telling me through the spirit exactly what is going on. Although the reasons behind it aren't clear, his urging to me to pray for what was his will was crystal clear. Sometimes, our walk with Christ is tough, really tough, like gut wrenching. Like child/husband/parent/sibiling ill tough. Words like Leuekemia, Tumor, car wreck, hospital, NICU, preterm, police, abuse, neglect, abandonment, and affair permeate these times. I am well aware I am not in one of those times. But, I am at a loss to explain the disappointments, worries and stresses of the past two weeks. I really wanted that stupid, bad paying, piddly little job. Just part time. Just something fun for my resume. Just to be in front of a class full of adolescents again. And right now, the answer is no. And I ignored the sign telling me what was going to happen. So, for now, I will force myself to say to God, thank you for your active involvement in my life. In Erdrich's novel, Mandi pointed out to her sophomores that one of the characters began yelling in church because he thought God was deaf and wasn't listening. Why isn't God involved anymore, he lamented. Tonight, that is not my lament, and being completely honest, it is not my praise, either. But, it should be. So I will force myself to say it, and to think it, even if I can't quite feel it yet. And I will try really hard not to ingore any more spiritual promptings, even if I really want to.